


Loving can Hurt

by col_faridi



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, False Accusations, I Will Go Down With This Ship, M/M, Misunderstandings, My First Fanfic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-28
Updated: 2017-08-28
Packaged: 2018-12-21 02:02:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,482
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11934006
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/col_faridi/pseuds/col_faridi
Summary: I am bad at this but here we go."I didn't knew it would take such a short amount of time for you to go back to your past ways Detective Inspector . Tell me Detective Inspector when were you gonna tell me that you were tired of me? Tell me how many times before have you met Annie? Tell me how easily you became ready to warm her bed again?"What they say about choosing your words wisely, was something that Mycroft forgot that night, blinded by his fury.Accusations are made and people are lost to jealousy and anger.





	1. Loving can Hurt

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first ever fic and I have ESL and this work is not beta'd. If you see any mistakes please tell me. I can never compete with the amazing writers out there but this is my own little effort. Thanks!  
> More chapters will come.  
> For the love of God, I don't know why but I can't give the fic a clear look no matter how many time I edit it. I'm sorry that it looks so jumbled up and dense.

If you ask Mycroft Holmes he'd say that Gregory Lestrade has the biggest heart on the entire planet. But this story isn't asking Mycroft Holmes this, instead we will see how that fact was established.

For a long time Gregory Lestrade was just a fantasy for Mycroft Holmes something that's touchable only in dreams but not in real life. For a long time he longed for Lestrade from afar, from behind the smokescreen of having his brothers best interests in mind. 

But we aren't focusing on that either.

Mycroft Holmes was too scared to make the first move and that was stupid because he shouldn't be afraid of a lowly Detective Inspector but that was the effect Lestrade has on him.  
But thankfully Lestrade didn't had any qualms in making clear his intentions because according to him Mycroft Holmes' constant vigilance and pining from afar made his head ache and thus he asked Mycroft on a coffee date though the spectacle of a pining Mycroft was too funny for the DIs boring life. (No you won't hear him say that aloud because he's a Detective Inspector ffs and he shouldn't considering his life boring but anyway.)  
Our story starts when things ended! 

Mycroft Holmes is a powerful man and in love with the DI and the man of his dreams was his. His life has turned out for good in the love department albeit late but he was happy. He was happy that the DI loved him with the same intensity as he loved the DI and wasn't that another of Gregory's traits, giving his everything to a relationship, to the person he was with, though in the past it didn't worked out as planned.  
(But Greg never blamed his wife for it because somehow even in the haze of confusion and hurt and realisation of being another statistics of failed marriages in the force, he understood that what she wanted and probably deserved wasn't a man who couldn't be there when she needed.)  
Though if you ask Mycroft Holmes he'd say that Gregory could easily be manipulated and his wife didn't deserve his forgiveness for cheating on him for such a long time. But that's how the DI rolled, though what Mycroft didn't realise that the DI didn't bother with anything concerning the whole debacle because he himself was tired of his life though that was something only he knew.  
As said above our story starts when everything ended and how from there these two build it back together. 

 

It wasn't unusual for either Mycroft or Greg to be late at night but it became habit of theirs to wait for the other for a certain amount of time if it's not too late in the night. So when Greg opened the front door to their place he didn't paid any attention to the fact that Mycroft's study was alight. He shredded his coat and other things and padded towards the study. Today's case was really gruesome and after so many years of being in the force Greg still couldn't face mutilated body of a child and as far as he thought nobody ever does. So seeing Mycroft would be a cure to his mental condition right now he thought, as he made his way towards his partner.  
"Hey",  
Greg greeted the man sitting across the desk. Even his voice was dropping every ounce of physical and mental lethargy he was feeling. He threw himself in the seat facing Mycroft and closed his eyes. In the proximity of his partner it felt as if some of the tension was seeping away from his body.  
But he abruptly opened his eyes because for the first time today Mycroft didn't crossed the desk to come and kiss him back home, he didn't even replied to his greeting, come to think of it. Greg assumed that Mycroft knew about the case even though he didn't needed Sherlock on it and his reluctance to even greet him shocked Greg because what he expected was that Mycroft would make him forget today what with murder and obviously the little meeting with Annie.   
For a moment he thought Mycroft was preoccupied with some big problem concerning his job but if it was so the door to study would have been shut properly or at least Anthea would have been there. Contemplating all these he tried to clear that haze from his mind and look at Mycroft properly and he was suddenly alarmed at what he saw there. Total fury, without any care to hide it. He couldn't understand what made MH so furious this late in night. Probably some idiot underling. For a moment forgetting his own troubles he instantly reached across to Mycroft  
"My" he called,  
"DONT MY ME, don't you fucking dare My me", the utter furious response was hurtled towards Gregory Lestrade.  
For a moment it seemed everything was frozen because apparently neither knew that Mycroft could ever behave like that. For Greg everything seemed frozen because as it happens the source of Mycroft's anger wasn't some underling but he.  
"My, what happened?"   
he asked confused while his mind worked at a 1000 miles per hour trying to understand what he did to make Mycroft so angry. The only source of the problem for Mycroft in Gregory's life was the danger and uncertainty involved with his work but as far as he remembered he didn't jumped headlong into anything dangerous in today's case. When Mycroft didn't answered him he again called him  
"My is everything alright?"  
"Why don't you tell me that Detective Inspector Gregory Lestrade..."  
the response totally surprised Gregory because even when they were just aquatinted Mycroft never called him in that way and he even noticed the coldness of Mycroft's tone. He couldn't fathom anything. He was tired and hungry and just wanted to curl beside Mycroft and be done with today.  
"I don't understand My, what are you talking about",

he replied and looked at him. The "minor worker in the British Government" face was totally set in place on Mycroft which again was alarming because that never happened in the privacy of their home.  
"I didn't knew it would take such a short amount of time for you to go back to your past ways Detective Inspector . Tell me Detective Inspector when were you gonna tell me that you were tired of me? Tell me how many times before have you met Annie? Tell me how easily you became ready to warm her bed again?"  
For some moment Gregory felt as if his brain short circuited because what the hell is My even talking about? He tired of them? He getting back with Annie it was so stupid even to think but apparently Mycroft not just thought about it but even believes it. And how the hell did he even know he was meeting with Annie? And there's only one answer to that question.  
"Mycroft have you got someone to follow me?"   
He asked instead of answering his quarries but to be honest they were quite irritating and stupid at that moment.  
"And you're faulting me for it now that I get to know what you do behind our backs under the guise of god knows what. Tell me Detective Inspector if I hadn't came upon you two today were you ever gonna tell me?" 

Mycroft put a question again in that voice of his that raised Greg's hairs.  
Greg was exhausted and wasn't thinking clearly but what Mycroft was implying was preposterous and he can never imagine that Mycroft could ever say such things to him.  
"My",he dragged a breath and continued, "look can we talk whatever you want to talk about my meeting with Annie tomorrow because right now I'd rather rest". 

He quite begged to Mycroft because there was a foreboding feeling creeping in him too and he knew that if they kept talking in this state then there would be lasting impact on their relationship.  
"No, we are going to talk right now because I'm not giving you any more chances. Tell me Detective Inspector how could you pull a stunt like this after what you went through in the hands of Annie? Did you learned the trick from her? Was the last two years a sham? Did you two laugh at my back as how stupid the great intellectual Mycroft Holmes is?"   
Mycroft asked instead.  
Greg for the love of his life couldn't even begin to fathom what was going on in Mycroft's mind to say such things but even then he tried to placate him 

"you know very well that I would never cheat on you least on all with Annie and My you are really making up things. You know we are steady." Gregory answered  
"Well apparently we are not Detective Inspector because I see the sham behind your perfect demeanour of the gentleman. Before we finish off things properly would you just tell me how long?”, came the reply.  
"How long what? And what do you mean by finish off what? And why are you accusing me of cheating on you when you know perfectly well I'd never do that"   
he replied in a tired voice because this conversation was going nowhere he liked. And above everything, it hurts that My would even think of him being a cheater.  
"How long since your relationship with Annie was rekindled? And finishing off things between us because to be honest I can't live with a cheater"   
Mycroft said in a seething and condescending tone.  
"My you have no right to accuse me of anything without knowing the truth",  
Greg said standing up from the chair. He can't, just can't see straight because Mycroft thinks that he's cheating on him with Annie. How could he even think that. That stone cold chilly feeling was reaching towards his heart and in the far confines of his brain Greg suddenly realised that this was the end of things.   
Once again he was cheated by life. It showed him what he could have and now is taking it back because let's be honest when it ever happened that Gregory Lestrade could have what he wished for in life or probably deserved. William, Annie, Marie Ann, and now Mycroft , people Greg loved but didn't deserved to have in his life. He wondered again what he did in his life so bad to be standing where he is time and again.  
Burying his love either metaphorically or literally.  
"I am going to Russia for a week. You have that much time to clear off your existence from my place" he heard Mycroft say and turned to look at him stunned.  
"My you're breaking up with me without knowing rhyme and reason. You're not giving me a chance to explain myself and come to think off it why can't you just pull your strings and know the truth for yourself?" 

He asked instead, but even he knew that he was fighting a lost battle because he was considered a culprit in Mycroft's books now and no matter what he did or say Mycroft won't change his mind, at least not right now. And he also knew that he and Annie were extremely cautious and there's no way in hell that Mycroft would ever know about why they held secret meetings. He made sure of that because as it dawned upon him, he was dreading this exact moment of confrontation.  
Mycroft came from behind his desk and looked the man in front of him, the man he loves. No, the man he loved because there's no way he can love this person in front of him who showed him a bright future filled with love and then proceeded to snatch that up quite profoundly. What did he think that he would never know about him and Annie? Suggesting that there's more to that story than seems. Didn't this man himself covered their tracks so well that Mycroft can't find one thing that would show the truth. He probably deserves this.   
To be disarmed by the charming smile and gentle manners and a personality that was both brainy and brawny and then ending up here now.  
"What did I expect believing in you Detective Inspector when clearly people of your class can never come out of scum that hey were born in? Can never be believed in because innately they are all alike, bloody cheaters!"  
It was his last resort at trying to hurt the man in front of him.  
"My, I didn't cheat on you and you bloody well know it!" 

Greg shouted in desperation because things were slipping away from his hands once again and in no time he'd be where he was two years back.  
Mycroft didn't flinch though internally he wanted desperately hold on to what Greg shouted at him but he knew better. He turned and started to leave the room.  
"My", the voice filled Mycroft with dread and despair because he never heard Greg's voice like that. As if it was cutting you into half like a saw. He stopped short in his tracks because he had to, because he wanted to know what came after in that dead sounding voice

"You know I thought you understood me but guess I was wrong again in choosing someone,"   
the statement was accompanied with a chuckle which shook Mycroft to the bones because it felt as if a dead corpse laughed at him,   
"you know how we are taught to never make statements that we can't prove? I wish you would have followed that principle My. I wish you wouldn't have blamed me for something even the collective minds the great Holmes' cant prove. I wish you all the happiness in the world My. I only wish that you would have never said these things not tonight of all nights. Have a safe journey My. I'll do my best to help you forget that we were ever together."  
Mycroft couldn't understand why suddenly it felt as if he made a terrible flaw in judgment. It seemed as if he was frozen literally and no matter what he would do he is never going to thaw. But he tried to battle with himself and decided whatever he said Gregory deserved to hear after cheating on him. But the desperate feeling of righting things quite staggered him as Detective Inspector Gregory Lestrade went out of the room.

 

And this was how Mycroft Holmes came to know one more thing about Gregory that he never knew, the man can hurt from his silence and his way of backing off from fights with grace, from those he loved and that’s also how you know that Gregory Lestrade loves you. If Mycroft used his words to hurt people, Greg used his silence like that of a dead man.


	2. If Only You Knew

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Aftermath

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this chapter in real hurry and am already sorry if it's not upto your satisfactions. hope would do better in future, considering this is my first fic and all.....  
> Tried to post with a neater look though.

Mycroft Holmes woke up with a start, his heart pounding in his throat. This was third night in a row he got up in the night suddenly because of the same reason. He threw off his covers and moved his hand around to search for his partner but the bed on the other side was cold and Greg was not there, perhaps an emergency call he thought, but then he remembered.  
He remembered that he was in Russia on ‘official business’, that Detective Inspector Gregory Lestrade wasn’t sleeping on the other side of the bed to have some comfort in. he put his hands on his face only for it to feel the stickiness of his tears.

He got up from his bed still having that queasy feeling because of which he woke so abruptly. Making a drink for himself, he let his mind wander to the voice of Greg he heard in his dream. It was in the same tone that Greg used at the end of their verbal spat. ‘My’, a tone void of any emotions and feelings. Mycroft couldn’t understand why his unconscious thought that it was something on which he should lose his sleep. He was tired of the whole thing with Greg, overthinking about it for quite a long time and coming on a conclusion that it was now a done deal, they shouldn’t have gotten together in the first place.

He let his mind wander on a few days back when everything was perfect. He remembered the cursed morning when he had sent Greg off with a kiss filled with coffee smells and something inherently Gregory. He remembered and he let his tears fall freely one last time because he can’t afford to be hungover for someone like the DI for long. He remembered every last detail of the DI’s body and personality and one by one locked everything up in the deepest confines of his brain because whatever happened he can’t fool himself that he didn’t loved the man deeply and madly.

Mycroft Holmes remembered the man he lost and Mycroft Holmes cried for the last time mourning a life he couldn’t have anymore.

He buried the nagging thought in his mind that had him think that there was something that he missed, something that he should have paid attention to but these were emotional thoughts and didn’t he already suffered from acting on his emotions. He just couldn’t believe that Greg would ever cheat on him and that too with his wife but probably he didn’t read the DI correctly. 

Oh how the man had used him though Mycroft did wondered when the DI became so efficient in controlling his body language and emotions so well that they became unreadable even for him.

Mycroft was a man who was always sceptical of other people and for once when he let his guard down, he paid a hefty price for it in the form of his broken heart and ability to believe anyone else ever again. Revenge wasn’t something he indulged in but this time he wanted to forgo all his principles make Greg pay for all the hurt, all the wasted time on a relationship that made him believe in emotions and feelings and the unconscious tears he shed in his sleep and conscious tears in remembrance of the man.  
Finishing the last of his drink Mycroft mentally shook himself to get a grip on his emotions. He had important work and it wouldn’t do to dwell in the past. Whatever happened, happened and now he had to wear his cold, calculative persona to deal with a world that was dependent on him. He got up and washed the last remnants of tears from his face and opened up his files to prepare for the meeting in the morning for sleep was not coming back to him. The hurtful musings of a past life can be thought upon another day or probably never.  
*********************************************************************************************************************************************************************************

 

The flat smelt of stale cigarette smoke and probably his tears, the DI mused as he started on cleaning his life.  
Even though he started living with My, (it even hurts to think about the endearing nickname) he still retained his flat because there were times when they both needed privacy to decompress from the stressful situations in their respective jobs.

He put the papers Annie left in the shredder because he didn’t want any iota of what transpired in the last few days in his future. He couldn’t afford to have anything from his past anywhere around him. He was done crying and moaning for what was taken away from him, like how could he even thought that he would have a fulfilling future with someone, complete with white picket fence and getting old together, after his past experiences.

“Tell me how easily you became ready to warm her bed again?”  
That sentence, which had hurt him the most came rushing into his mind. How can someone who claims to love you say anything like that so easily?

How can My claims to love him so deeply and yet would not give him a fucking chance to explain himself? He understood the workings of that genius mind, and God he really did. He understands the kind of misgivings My had about love and emotions and feelings, but when you love someone don’t you at least got to listen to them? To have a little bit of faith in them? To perhaps really love them…and that thought again crept up to him.

He never questioned Mycroft’s love for himself but now? Now he does. He’s questioning Mycroft’s love, he’s questioning his own abilities to have one stable relationship, he’s questioning most of all his ability to ever forget the man and move on with his life. To pick the broken pieces of himself and once again try to brave whatever life threw in his face.  
He cleared his face from the unbidden tears that perhaps would always flow whenever he’d remember My and started packing the bag meant for the Church charity.

He put every suit that Mycroft gave him in the bag along with few other nick knacks like tie pins and cuff links. As he came on the last suit he stopped and stared as once again memories rushed to the fore front of his brain. According to Mycroft the pale blue colour of the shirt was made for him only. Lingering heated looks and sweet afterglow was associated with the suit. He quickly bundled it up and pushed it in the bag. He really can’t afford to do this to himself because he has learnt his lesson. There is nothing but misery and heartache on the road of keeping souvenirs and past recollections.

After closing the zipper, he looked around and saw the clinical precision with which he had cleaned out the boxes he packed at Mycroft’s and every other thing that has any associations with his past with Mycroft Holmes. His flat still looked like his, thing strewn across the surfaces but even a search with a magnifying glass wouldn’t yield anything from his life as of two days ago with a certain someone. 

He sat down on the sofa in the living area with a drink after clearing the boxes and the bag. What he wanted to achieve right now with a drink and nothing on his mind, was not clear even to his own self.  
Well who was he kidding, one last time he wanted to remember the life with Mycroft. One last time he wanted to experience that feeling he had when it appeared as if even Gregory Lestrade could have someone who loved him fully and unconditionally though apparently it wasn’t so. But you can’t fault a man for chasing a dream for once in his life, as his life with Mycroft seemed more like a dream after each passing moment, a dream he was never allowed to dream before in any of his previous relationships.  
He eyes moistened as he remembered the ring at the bottom of the bag, the first thing he wanted to get rid of.  
Throwing the last of his drink he got up to sleep. After all tomorrow is another day in the new life of Detective Inspector Gregory Lestrade who once again was all alone in this world. But things weren’t that new either. People leaving him isn’t something that was new to him but perhaps this was the breaking point for him.  
***********************************************************************************************************************************************************************************

 

Anthea was furious and God was she furious.  
She just had a call from Sally concerning Gregory and still can’t reel her mind back to what Sally had told her. How can her genius of a boss be so stupid? Right now she wanted to shake the man so bad that his teeth would rattle, literally. Couldn’t he talk to her once before being so stupid? True she’d have never told him about Greg and Annie’s meetings’ true nature but she at least would have done something. Something that wouldn’t have them here thousands of miles away right now when something could be done to revert back things.  
But for now she had official business and after that gets done, her boss has some questions to answer.


	3. Lay With Me So it Doesn't Hurt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sorry for such a late update and not very good chapter either. I am going through some hard time personally so am not able to write properly.  
> But it is what it is. I hope you all like it anyway. Enjoy! :)

Sargent Sally Donovan had a lot of respect and love for her DI. The man was like that, you can’t help but be a little in love with him. With a generous heart that rivalled even the Hatim Ta’i, he was not just a mentor to her but also family. She knew the DI’s past made him so forgiving in nature but at times even she was unable to get how could the DI be so generous with people who hurt him with all their might. 

Take his wife for example. Yes Sally knew that the DI was aware of Annie’s cheating but he let that go because he felt guilty of not being able to be there for her when she wanted him to. He forgave her so easily and then went on providing her a shoulder to cry to the extent that it jeopardised his relationship with Mycroft Holmes.  
Her head was still riling with the epic argument she had with Greg four days ago .She couldn’t believe him walking away from a relationship he got so invested in without putting any fight. This time she wanted Greg to fight for his love, yes she got that Mycroft was being stupid and didn’t gave him a chance to clarify things but leaving everything because Mycroft accused him of cheating seemed a little extreme to her. 

Sally knew why the DI did that though, but what he had with Mycroft was something much bigger than a few spiteful words said in anger to hurt the other party. But maybe it isn’t worth it to Greg if Mycroft doesn’t even have any faith in him. After all how many times can you bear your loved ones not being what they claim to be. She wished she could tell Mycroft the truth and make him realise how badly he had hurt someone he claimed to love very much.

Sally came out of her musings and looked at the DI talking to Sargent Thomson. Anyone who didn’t knew him couldn’t see any change in him but she knew him and saw the rigid body posture, and the way he was standing as if waiting for someone to attack him, and his eyes.  
His eyes scared Sally. They were devoid of any emotions and feeling, as if you were looking into a dead corpse’s eyes. She was instantly worried to her core. The DI was not this bad even when he was so called purging his life off of Mycroft. She knew he had cried for what he lost again but this was much worse. 

How badly you have to be hurt to become entirely emotionless in just few days?

She made a decision and picked her phone to call the number Anthea gave her only to be used in dire circumstances. And right now she wanted nothing more than to have that look go away from her DI’s eyes even if she has to bully other people (say for example one Mycroft Holmes) into making things normal for Greg.  
*********************

Mycroft Holmes surveyed his surroundings and was satisfied with what he found. He was done with mourning for his first and only mistake in love life and his place was purged of his past. Let it never be said that the DI didn’t know how to do his best. He wondered whether it is that easy to wrap up a life of a year and half so precisely without leaving any trace of its existence, whether it was so easy to pack up because there were some preparations already in place.

As he was standing under the shower he remembered the conversation he had with Anthea this morning. He didn’t knew how she came to know about the whole situation suddenly as the Russian project was decided upon abruptly and he maintained his stoic persona well without giving away anything. He stopped her from talking about the situation by throwing “employee employer” code at her. He really wasn’t in a mood to counter her arguments in defence of the DI and the subtle insinuations that he made a mistake.

Mycroft Holmes don’t make mistakes. And how would anyone explain what he saw that day? The DI and his ex-wife (not anymore) laughing, leaning on each other and that parting hug that one gives to those one is in an intimate relationship. How could one justify that? They can’t because there is no justification for cheating someone you love!  
The DI was also good at faking (an entire relationship), Mycroft would give him that.

 

******************

He sagged back against his front door and then wasn’t able to stop his tears from flowing anymore. All week long he was holding himself in front of everyone particularly Sally, but he couldn’t do that now. The DI was shaking as he let go of all the pent up emotions of the trying week. He knew this time it was going to be the breaking point but he didn’t realise that he wouldn’t be able to carry one even for a week. The stifling feeling was crushing his chest and he couldn’t do anything to make it go away.  
And then he realised why people do it. Why they become ready to take their own life because this is how they felt. Empty and hollow from the inside. They don’t have anything to live for anymore. And that hopeless feeling was washing over him too.

A wet and weary chuckle was released from his lips. Here was man in his forties contemplating suicide because his partner left him. He wondered whether it would make any difference. How pathetic would his love for Mycroft can make him? He wasn’t this bad ever before after the end of any of his previous relationships. What was so special this time with a man who doesn’t even has faith in him?

Greg wondered whether Mycroft was ever fully committed to their relationship in light of how easily he ordered him to leave, without asking for an explanation. Just a few blind accusations and that was the end of a relationship he claimed to carry on till his last breath. How many times did the man laughed at Greg’s stupidity to have believed his honeyed words? Most of all what did he got from playing Greg like a piano? Claiming that he loved him but throwing him away when the time came to prove his words.  
He sighed and tried to clean the tears from his face. He can cry however much he wanted, for however long he wanted but he had to keep a clear head as his duty required him to do. He stood up made his way to the bathroom to take a bath and then probably try to do some paperwork he bought home with him.  
*********

Anthea would give her first born to have Mycroft listen to her for once. She tried to talk to him after the completion of their work in Russia but the man wouldn’t budge. She knew he was hurting and he was proud enough to never admit it even to himself. If he wasn’t hurting now, he would soon and she wanted to save at least Mycroft from that. Greg was suffering enough for the two of them.  
She saw the DI today from afar and what she saw combined with what Sally had told her, was enough to help them make a decision to intervene in this situation. But her latest effort to talk with Mycroft was thwarted again and she was feeling enraged and hopeless as she updated Sally on the situation. For the first time in her life, the most efficient PA of the world didn’t knew what to do. Maybe it is time to turn offensive.  
She just had to collect the right papers and prepare the evidence for Mycroft to see. That’s the only way the situation could be salvaged even if she is going to invade someone’s privacy for that and do what Greg made her promise not to do.  
************

Sally was beyond furious. The man has already hurt her boss because of his insecurities (yeah, she realised that) and now is not ready to listen to any reason. Mycroft was supposed to give at least an ear to what Anthea have to tell him. But her friend just told him that he was being a thick head with the whole situation. She felt as if she would blow up if won’t do anything now.  
She made a decision and made a detour on her way to home. She knew she would find Mycroft this late, at his club. She had been there on a few occasions to meet Anthea and knew her way around the security that was supposed to keep unwanted people out.

When she reached the outer sanctum of Mycroft’s office, she didn’t find Anthea there for which she was thankful because for sure her friend would have had her packed away from there if she knew what Sally was going to do.

She didn’t bothered to knock and directly ‘barged’ in the man’s office. Seeing him give a startle gave her some satisfaction as she prepared to give him her piece of mind.  
“How come you’re supposed to be highly intelligent person? because now you are not helping your case.” She started.

The man sent her most withering glare in her direction but right now that isn’t going to scare Sally at all.

“You know we all thought that you were a sensible person but after what you did to Greg, I for one seriously doubt your senses being right. How could you suspect him of cheating when you always claimed to know him so well. Don’t you think if he was cheating you’d known it? How could you hurt him when you have always maintained that you loved him. Or was that a lie Mycroft? You played Greg and all of us from the starting. What did you wanted by doing all this? To make him another notch in your bed post?”

“Sargent, I would very much advise you to leave right now!” Mycroft replied to her with clenched teeth.

“Yeah, why? Because I am speaking the truth? Because you don’t want to hear the truth or shown your true face?” she couldn’t help but really shout at him.

“Sargent, your very respectable and man of honour DI has cheated on me with none other than his ex-wife, or perhaps not that ex anymore.” He tried to keep calm while replaying to the idiot woman in front of him.  
“You know if you are jealous or insecure it is better to talk about it rather than throwing your man out of the door.”

“You know nothing!” he couldn’t keep his cool anymore. How dare she imply that he was insecure or jealous? She can’t see straight because of her loyalty to Gregory otherwise she would know that it’s her boss who had played Mycroft not the other way around.

“No Mycroft, it’s not I who doesn’t know what’s going on here. It’s you and before you make everything worse, use that big brain of yours and get Greg and yourself out you respective miseries.” She replied and turned to leave. God, the man was really insecure.

She stopped with her hand resting on the door knob and turned to speak for the last time, “you’ve got Anthea, use her to know the truth. It wasn’t covered that perfectly and if you ask her now, she would tell all of it. He won’t stop her now you know. Annie is too far gone to object anymore.”  
If the man was any intelligent, it won’t take much time for him to take some action on what she has said but she has her fingers crossed nevertheless.  
**************

Anthea was standing on the other side of the door and for a second Sally felt bad for not telling her about her impromptu meeting with Mycroft, but seeing the expressions on her face Sally realised that she had heard the entire exchange between her boss and friend.

“Well so much for being afraid of that man having the power to get you transferred to back of beyond...” Anthea drawled, but it was evident that she was pleased too.

“Well, I had to. I can’t see Greg like that anymore.” Sally replied.

“I saw him too, today”, the PI replied with a tinge of sadness in her voice. “You know I would have told Mycroft about the whole situation in a heartbeat had I knew it would end like this, the promise to Greg be damned. He had something precious with the man to be ruined by his stupidity.”

“Had he asked”, Sally said wistfully but then added, “he might now. At least I hope that he does.”

“Yeah, let’s hope so.”  
***********

Before the darkness engulfed him entirely, he realised how stupid a decision it was to not tell Mycroft from beginning. The man wouldn’t had been this insecure then and things wouldn’t have ended up like this. He realised that now that he will never get the chance, he wanted to apologise to Mycroft.  
Everything around him was so loud and confusing, the flashing lights of the police cars and ambulances, his people shouting orders and some medics asking him to keep awake.  
No, he doesn’t want to keep awake. The darkness was far more comforting, moreover he doesn’t really have any incentive to be conscious now. He thought that Mycroft was calling him and closed his concentrate on his lover’s voice that was soothing amidst the cacophony he was in.

Sargent Sally Donavan realised what true fear is when she saw her DI’s body being loaded in the ambulance. . The medics had wrapped the hole in his chest but it was still oozing blood as his heart was relentlessly pumping blood because of the shock of being shot. Who would have thought the DI had so much blood in him to colour every surface.  
The ambulance’s door was closed and it left to give the man the treatment he needed ASAP.  
Sally turned back to help the team clean up the mess. There was no point to follow the ambulance and sit and stew in a hospital waiting room. Her boss would be fine as hell in a few hours, and she would visit him then. He got to come out from the surgery all good, she thought petulantly. He is Greg Lestrade, her DI, there is nothing that can harm him!


	4. Stay a Bit Longer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is just a filler chapter of sorts because I got writer's block and can't write one sensible thing. :/  
> I don't know whether you all will like it or not. It is what it is.  
> and thank you to everyone who have commented and send me encouraging words. you all are amazing.

As the DI was being prepared for the surgery, Mycroft Holmes was also getting prepared.

He was preparing himself to apologise to Gregory for hurting him, for suspecting him for doing something he took as cheating on him. May be he won’t be forgiven this easily, he wasn’t being pretentious but he still had hope in his love for the man.

 

If not instantly, he knows that he’d be forgiven given some time. And he was prepared to earn Gregory’s forgiveness, if things come to it. Whichever way.

 

He donned his casual clothes consisting of tight fitting jeans and a dark green tee-shirt that he knew Gregory liked on him. Appearances matter, you see.

 

Mycroft heard his front door open with quite some force and Anthea’s footsteps followed after a hurried call of ‘Sir?.’ There was something strange in her tone. He sighed to himself. Right now wasn’t really the time for some dire international emergency. He started thinking about what it could be and how many days it’s going to take to contain the situation, whatever it was.

 

‘‘In here.” She was already there though. At least she can brief me while I change, he thought to himself.

 

“So, what is it? Is it America? God I told the ambassador that I’d handle the situation. What does he want?” He started towards his walk in closet to change, while throwing questions towards her.

 

“Sir…” this is strange, Anthea never sounded like this. Warning bells rang in him. ‘Sherlock... Oh God, what had he done?’ he thought to himself.

 

“It’s about Greg…” 

 

Before he can voice his concerns, Anthea spoke. For a second he couldn’t understand what would happen concerning the DI that’d put Anthea in a state where her face is etched with worries.

 

“…he’s been shot. In the chest. It’s a case of phneumo-hemothorax. He’s in surgery right now.”

 

He stopped short in his tracks, ‘Gregory…shot? It’s absurd’, his mind supplied. They were still to make up, Mycroft was still to tell him how much he loved him and how sorry he was. Still to make up for hurting him by being stupid and insecure unnecessarily.

 

He realised his legs were shaking when Anthea came forward to help him sit. 

 

“Sir, please…he’ll be alright.” She said in a quivering voice. It was evident it was hurting her too but she was trying to be brave in front of him.

“What had happened?” he had to know.

 

“He chased a man but they didn’t knew the man had a gun on him. He was cornered by Greg so he…” she didn’t complete her sentence.

“Will he be alright?” he asked in a small voice. Why did it had To happen now? When he was trying to correct things.

 

“We should go to the hospital.” She didn’t answer his original question.

“Anthea, would Gregory be alright?”, he asked again.

“We don’t know Sir…” she wasn’t looking at him. His heart sinked a little more.

 

Is he going to be one of those people who hurt the DI and never apologised? Never be able to tell Gregory how much he meant to him, how much he loved the person who always loved other fruitlessly?

 

“Sir, we should go. The car’s waiting.” He came out of his reverie and got up on shaking legs. It won’t do to have negative thoughts. His Gregory was fighter and he’d come out of this. He had to.

********************************

You see just because a bunch of people don’t want you to be hurt or dying, it doesn’t mean that you won’t be hurt or die. There were many people who decided that nothing would happen to Gregory Lestrade. They decided that he would be up and running in no time.

 

But they were all doing the same thing. Trying to not face the reality because it was scary.

 

Sally saw her boss with a hole in his chest and bleeding profusely, labouring for breath, being loaded on a stretcher and the bleak faces of the first responders. She was scared shitless.

 

Anthea saw what happened on a CCTV screen and the monochrome footage made things grimmer.

 

Mycroft Holmes saw and heard his PI and if things made Anthea scared, then he was scared in proxy because nothing affected his PI until it was dire enough.

****************

Sally was already there in the waiting room. She has relegated all the non-important work to others and came to the hospital as soon as she can. She has been told that they were trying their best with the DI, every time she inquired about the situation. She knew they were holding her.

 

Mycroft saw the Sargent sitting there, face set as if she was trying really hard not to break right there. Was he supposed to go and sit beside her and give her words of comfort? He didn’t knew. He remembered their last meeting when the Sargent shouted at him and asked to make things normal. ‘Why didn’t he listened to her earlier?’ he thought bitterly.

“Sally”, he heard his PI call the Sargent with her first name. He didn’t knew they were on first name basis. Anthea went ahead gave the Sargent a quick hug.

 

“We became friends while trying to get you and Greg together”, she informed him with a short smile, seeing the confusion on his face.

 

He tried to give her a smile in reply but his insides hurt knowing how things turned out and the reason why they were in a hospital right now. He sat on a chair near the Sargent leaving a few seats in between them.

 

“They’re still in the operation theatre with him”, he heard Donovan say in reply to Anthea’s query, “they are not saying anything else other than that that they’re trying their best.” Her voice breaking at the end.

 

His cores were numb. He didn’t wanted to think on the lines of what ifs but sitting here in the waiting area turned his mind to those thoughts nonetheless. He looked around the place. There were so many people around them in certain stages of waiting. 

 

‘But are any of them waiting for their lover to wake up so that they can say sorry?’ he asked himself, ‘is anyone here praying that their loved one didn’t die because they never got around to apologise for hurting them?’ 

 

‘Probably not’, his mind supplied. 

 

But people also don’t epically fuck up their relationship like him. They give others time to explain things unlike him, accusing without any solid proof and throwing them out. He was insecure, he accepted that after he saw all the evidence Anthea gave him but that doesn’t mean he shouldn’t have given Gregory any time to explain.

 

Yes the man didn’t offer any explanation for reasons best understood to him but he should have demanded an explanation from him. He should have talked to him perhaps at some other time not when the DI was at his lowest.

 

Sitting there, Mycroft Holmes was ticking off things he did wrong that night like a criminal accepting his crimes.

 

“It would have happened anyway,” he heard Sargent Donovan addressing him and looked at her, “him being shot at, you know. It’s not going to help stewing over what ifs.”

 

“I had hurt him and we don’t know if I’ll be able to say sorry to him…ever”, he said through clenched teeth. It hurt to say such a thing.

 

“Yeah you could have been a little less of a dick but he didn’t do any better. He turned away without putting a fight. Again.” She replied,

 

He looked at her then. Was she trying to comfort him in her own way? Or was she merely expressing her thoughts on the whole situation.

 

He didn’t knew what to say to her in reply so he didn’t say anything just gave a nod and closed his eyes. His chest was constricting with all the emotions and he didn’t how to handle them.

_________  
There he was. 

Gregory smiling at him in reply of a sarcastic remark.

Full on laughing at him when he tried to cook a meal for the two of them at his place and failed quite comically. 

Giving him a small good bye kiss. 

Lying with him tired and sleepy but trying to listen to him ranting about idiot underlings with half a smile.

Sleeping in his bed beside him looking at peace at last without the trace of all the worries that plagued him in the day.

Calling ‘My’ in a desperate voice.

Mycroft opened his eyes. He felt as if Gregory was there calling him. 

He swiped his hands on his face and they came wet with his tears. Yes he was crying and truth be told he wanted to lay down and cry some more.

 

It had been couple of hours and they had no new news about Gregory. He was afraid for his lover. And he didn’t had any means to handle this situation, the most powerful man in Britain was helpless when his love was lying on an operation table, needing all the help he can get.

 

This was second time in his life when Mycroft Holmes was sitting in a hospital waiting area, praying to God to not take away someone he loved so much.

 

“He’ll be alright, Sir.” He heard Anthea say in a soft voice over the cacophony of emotions inside him. 

 

“The surgery has just finished, the doctor will be with us shortly”, she added.

“Is he alright?” he hastily cleared his face and asked her.

“He’s alive, for now. That’s all they told us”, she answered.

Alive, well that’s a starting. He saw Anthea turning towards the entry when a doctor entered. She came towards them, the expressions on her face were a mixture of tired and hopeful and pacifying. Mycroft didn’t know what to expect from the woman.

 

“Well he is alive”, Dr. MacBride started without any preamble. He noticed her name tag, and took in all the details from close proximity but was reeled in the conversation with her turning her focus on him. 

 

“I’ve been told that the DI was your partner.” It wasn’t a question so he didn’t said anything but waited for her to continue.

 

She sighed and started again, “he isn’t out of complete danger, he has lost a lot of blood and we did the surgery but we are more concerned with him contacting infection. He was exposed to external agents for some time,”

 

“Will he recover well, Doctor?” Mycroft didn’t had the patience to listen to her giving useless details, so he cut her off. He really just wanted to see the DI as soon as possible.

 

“He will recover but it will take some time and there will be repercussions. You don’t come out of such a situation as this unscathed.”

 

“Can we see him now?” Seemingly Sargent Donovan was also not in the mood to listen to the doctor.

“He’s still in the ICU, you can just see him from outside. If you all will come with me…”

Mycroft knew he has the right to be allowed inside but he didn’t say anything and just followed the doctor.

***********

But he wasn’t ready to see the DI like that. Lying on the hospital all helpless with various machines hooked into him. He was attached with a ventilator and a thick pipe was attached to his chest. It seemed like a nightmare. 

 

He never saw the DI as that. The man was never phased with anything, the most that happened to him was seasonal flus and now he was lying in a hospital bed where the doctors were not sure whether he’ll live or not.

 

Mycroft realised he was crying again. He led to this. If they wouldn’t have fought they would have been on vacation, he had planned for them in Paris. Gregory would have been with him there enjoying life, not in a hospital bed hanging between death and life. 

 

He who had promised Gregory to have loved him with all his heart not only hurt him but also drove him to his death bed. He always said that Gregory’s previous partners didn’t deserve him. But did he either? No, because you don’t kill people you claim to love.

 

“Stop blaming yourself Mycroft. It’s not going to help him or you. Yes I know because it’s written all over your face what you are thinking.” Sargent Donovan’s voice broke through his musings.

 

“Sir, I’ll see what they say about you going inside,” Anthea said before he could reply.

 

“Yeah, please.” He wanted to be there with the DI no matter what. He wanted to feel the man to be sure. He can’t endure standing at a distance and being a spectator.

 

“I never wanted anything like this, not really”, he turned towards Sargent Donovan and said.

 

“I know…we all do.” She said. 

 

They didn’t say anything after that and waited for Anthea to return. After few minutes she was back with a nurse in tow.

 

“You can go inside Sir, after wearing some protective gear. He’ll help you in that matter.” She informed him and pointed towards the nurse standing behind her.

*********

He didn’t realised Gregory was so pale when he was standing outside the ICU, but seeing him from beside the bed, his heart gave a lurch. The DI was deadly pale even being hooked with so many different things.

 

Mycroft sat on the chair and slipped his hand in Greg’s but this time the DI didn’t squeezed his hand or give him one of his brilliant smile. His heart ached remembering what he lost.

 

He settled in for however long he has to wait for Gregory to come out of danger and gain consciousness and then some more. Until he is forgiven and accepted back by Gregory in his life.


	5. You're All I Need

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They Talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slide new chapter in and runs for the hills.  
> see chapter end for more.  
> Con-crit welcome. :)

It wouldn’t do good to dwell in what ifs and nots.  


It took DI Lestrade three days to get consciousness again and 5 more to be fully coherent about his surroundings.

 The first thing he saw was the flickering lights overhead, and heard was the constant beep beep of machines. Many machines humming in tandem.

 He didn’t liked any of it. After more than a week he was awake but unaware of his whereabouts. And suddenly there were too many people asking too many questions and he tried to answer all of it with too many of his own questions.

  
After a moment too long, they told him about everything—the shooting, his lungs, the partner who didn’t left his side.

And then he was too tired to even think about berating Sally for sticking to what could’ve been his death bed.  
  
The second time Greg was totally conscious of his surroundings was later that day or... night?

 His throat was parched and there was weird ache—ventilator pipe removed his mind supplied. Looking around he searched for water or maybe a nurse who could give him some.

His eyes swapped the bed side table locating water and what was slumped figure in a chair near it. He tried to make some noise to wake Sally..? up and the figure opened their eyes.

He was not ready to face them. Not yet. Not ever. Not those eyes and that face and that person.  


“Water?” Mycroft Holmes asked tenderly and might he add a bit... apprehensively?

  


Nodding his head he looked on as Mycroft adjusted the bed and bought some water.

 He was too out of it to handle the glass by himself but had enough coherency to not let him be touched by those fingers this soon. He grabbed the glass with shaking hand and bought the straw to his lips.

  


“Slowly Gregory”,, came in that posh voice.

  


He was not ready to hear it but he knew better to oblige. He gave back the glass and made sure not to touch any part of those fingers.

‘Too soon’ the siren in his mind was wailing constantly. Laying back down Greg turned away to the other side and tried to look in the misty darkness outside the window.

Maybe it had some answers to what was going around.

  


“How are you feeling?” Was Senior Holmes trying to make small talk? And here he thought a day would never come he’d witness this.

  


“Gregory?”

Oh no Mycroft don’t get to do this while he was on the hospital bed and neither flight nor fight response can be initiated.

  


He kept quite because the answer...?

Not so good.

He couldn’t just say that he’s feeling there’s a hole in his chest where used to be a battered heart. His lungs feel as if he ran a marathon on too little sustenance and his brain is scrambled because it can’t fathom why Mycroft Holmes of all the people in the world would be here.

  


He let the silence fester and linger between them.

  
“Wouldn’t you say anything?” Another attempt at small talk. Surprise Surprise…  


“Would you please go?” he answered at last but it was more of an order in a detached emotion less sort of voice.

  
Mycroft would swear on everything that he holds near and dear to him that he wasn’t this hurt even when his younger brother was at his most worse.

 That was his brother making choice and this was the person he claimed to love and had hurt.

Deliberately.

There was never a scenario in his head when he thought Gregory would not have his cheery disposition.

 Even in the worst of the worst times the DI’s voice gave hope and happiness to those around him and here lying in a hospital bed, conscious after more than a week, his voice said that the man has at last been broken by the cruel hands of fate.

And what a role did Mycroft himself play in that!

  


“Okay. You should rest, I’ll be back tomorrow”.  
He replied in an uneasy tone. ‘Please don’t decline me, I wouldn’t be able to take it.’ He was silently praying in his mind.  


“Don’t.” Again that emotionless tone.

  


“But Gregory”…

  


“You don’t get to do this. Just go away.”

  


‘Because you already did. Like everyone else.’

There was a darkness that has descended in the room as well like his life and soul. And he was not interested in doing anything about it. The aching heart and soul were too much.

  


*****************************************************************

  
“Ohhh but boss…”  


“No Sal. And it’s definite.”

There was a hint of smile though it didn’t reached his eyes. It never did these days and that hurt Sally more than she ever thought possible.

  


“Yeah. Okay but I’ll checking up on you like twice a day then.”

  


“Sal!”

  


She just gave him her most charming smile. Not that they were ever charming,yeah she knew that. Hers were more feral than anything.

  


There was some mumbled reply but she knew DI has conceded. Well some respite that would be.

  


“And boss?”

  


A doleful stare was the answer and she was reluctant to breach the topic. It wasn’t a success earlier and she had no hope this time but it has to be done.

  


“Mr. Holmes has been asking to come again.”

  


“Didn’t you already gave him all the information about my recovery and everything Sal?”

  


Of course he is a detective he knew.

  


“Yeah, but he want to see for himself and maybe talk.”

  


“About what now?” The tone was weary and aching. The burden of the heartbroken.

  


“You have to talk to him boss. You both have to explain certain things to each other.”

  


“No.”

  


“No what?”

  


“I don’t have to explain things to someone who doesn’t have faith in me Sal.”

  


“You gave everyone chances upon chances why not him? Not even one?”

  


“I am tired Sal. Of everything. Of this…this giving chances and never receiving one myself. I asked him...no I begged him that I’ll explain everything just not at that moment.

And I’d have. Even would’ve asked for forgiveness for not telling him sooner. Had I been given a chance, but I wasn’t.

He became judge jury executioner. I was thrown out of the place I finally considered home. And then he wants what now? Forgiveness because I nearly died? Because he is sorry for being too hasty in judging me? I am tired Sal. Just tired.”

 

“Let’s get you home then boss,” Sally couldn’t think any other possible topic that wouldn’t hurt Greg to talk about.

 

 

 

“You.”

“Hello Gregory”

 

“I didn’t knew you to be a man who couldn’t understand simple commands.”

 

His answer was clipped and cold. And Mycroft knew he deserved that but it didn’t hurt any less.

“Can I come in?”

 

Gregory was looking better than he looked in that hospital room for so long. He was attending the physical therapy Anthea had told him.

 

“What for?” there was a hint of weariness in his voice.

 

“I know about Annie. And I am sorry.”

Mycroft replied in soft voice  he still didn’t knew if Gregory would let him in of shut the door in his face after this.

 

“Please Gregory, I beg of you…”

 

He wasn’t sure but somehow he was granted permission and took the breath he was holding for so long.

 

“Anthea told me everything the day you…the day you got shot. God, Gregory why… look I am sorry I messed up I am sorry I said all those things and I know I shouldn’t have and I would do anything for you to forgive me.”

He was rambling and he couldn’t stop. Not now. He might never get the chance.

 

“You did what you had to and I would never fault you for any of it. I can’t blame Annie for asking for your help to sort out her matters in her dying days or asking you to not tell me anything.”

Gregory was yet to say something or even look at him.

“I should have had more faith in you…in us. Maybe she was right in not letting me in the know of things. Maybe she knew what kind of merciless pathetic creature I am. That I would have tried to stop you from getting back to her even just to a friend in dire need.”

 

The silence was oppressive and he knew it for the interrogation technique it was but in for a penny in for a pound.

 

“Perhaps she knew what an insecure bastard I am.”

There’s was sharp intake of breath and he was relieved that at least he was being heard.

 

“Why now Mycroft?” he asked finally.

 

“What do you mean why Gregory? I have to apologize. I’ve hurt you, I was cruel to you and you don’t deserve that. From any one least of all me and also…

He shut himself up when he realized he was rambling again. It wasn’t his turn to speak so to say.

 

He saw Gregory suddenly stand up from his perch on the sofa. He kept standing there for second or two and then turned to his bedroom.

 

“Lock the door after you, Mycroft.”

 

So that’s that then, Mycroft thought.

Congratulations then you have single handed destroyed not just you own life but the life of someone you loved…love. More than yourself.

Salvation was not in the books for one Mycroft Holmes. He shut the door to Gregory’s flat silently and stepped out into the cold night.

He knows and accepts that he deserve all the hate Gregory has for him now but it hurt like a bitch after two years to know that his life is well and spectacularly lonely as Sherlock always predicted.

 

Because Mycroft Holmes was incapable of loving someone. Or keeping them safe from his own self.

He who has the trust of the Queen and The Crown to keep the nation safe, couldn’t keep his Gregory safe.

He who was entrusted with so many important secrets and tasks couldn’t be entrusted to not hurt the man he promised day and night he loved.

 

He didn’t knew he possessed so much darkness in himself that one day it would choke his Gregory out from his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am not dead though there were times I might have been. I am not out of the funk and might never be but after more than a year I collected my nerves and have decided to complete this. May the odds be ever in my favour.


End file.
